i donno where to begin. it seems like only yesterday that we got to know each other. pejam celik, it has been close to five years ever since we first met at Eunos Bus Interchange. Remember that 1st meeting..? i still do. you're the only guy that made me wait for you for almost an hour.. it was raining heavily and bla bla bla..
After that we have been meeting on and off in the evenings after class. me in my then ite nursing uniform. we would sit under the void deck and chat. and even at that point, i waited for you.. under the void deck.. sometimes, i would read newspapers and other times, i would be doing my bio homework.. do u still remember that..? hmmm.. seemed like only yesterday..~ But i wonder.. why are u always late..? i am the one who always had to wait for you.. ok ok.. give u some credit, some times i'm late too.. i know.. but i think you were late more times than me.. I didnt mean to bring this up but why..? why are u late? what could be the very reason..? even when you said that you're gonna pick me up from work (ttsh) you were late too.. by now, u should know that i hate to wait, right..? ok ok.. anyways, nevermind.. i forgive you..? *your welcome* (:
and there was this day that you complaint to me that i never blog about you.. okay.. my mistake.. i'm sorry. but what am i suppose to blog..? its not like i blog everyday.. i only blog like once in a blue moon..? im sure you would have noticed it right..? But still, i would like to apologise if i ever made you feel unimportant..
do you remember the time when i asked you, "so.. when are we getting married..?" and your reply to me was, "when im more stable.." remember that..? Ermm.. I really do mean what i asked you.. And there were other times when i asked about your job hunting.. Only once was your reply that, "i am going for 2 interviews today.. one at sentosa and the other at zouk.." and at that time, I was overjoyed, 1. and 2 zouk..? why zouk..? and as what..? hmm.. i refrained myself from questioning.. I just hope that you get either one of them.. the sad part was when they said you had to wait for their call.. im sure u know what they mean by that.. You never really told me what happened during your interview? what you wore for it..? did you look presentable? are your nails short and trimmed? is your hair neat, tidy and short..? but then again, you never really shared and i never really asked.. you didnt want to talk about it..? i dont understand why though.. you're a perfectly fine guy. strong and abled.. but why didnt they hire you..? you can really have any job you want.. but..? i really wanna rule out your condition as your setback.. i really think you should do something about it, ikhtiar, usaha on how to cure your skin problem.. im not trying to bring you down. believe me, thats the last thing i want to do to you.. but it seems that.. you're not doing anything to help yourself.. you are not making the effort.. yes, i know.. you've been controlling your no seafood diet but i think you should do more.. just a bit more..
u may be wondering why this is important to me..? i dont know really.. maybe i want more that just your love care and concern.. i wand security.. security in terms of financial and well being.. its not that im asking the 5Cs from you.. just security and a sense of assurance.. you know that i dont ask anything form you since we 1st got to know each other till date.. i dont ask for branded stuffs or high class dining or even anything for that matter.. i just want to lead an easy life with no worries about anything.. yes, i know thats impossible but we can at least try right..?
this might come as a shock for you but i have to tell you.. trust me this is really hard to do, but im coming off clean.. im not being completely honest with this relationship.. meaning, i have been lying to you over some things.. its the same as lying to myself, but trust me, its not easy. the guilt that strikes after it is unbearable. i can continue lying to you but i cant lie to myself anymore.. its taking a toll on myself. i dont feel right.. i dont feel like how i felt towards you back then when we 1st started out. i donno why and how the feeling faded away slowly, little by little. this is how im feeling right now. i "feel" your love only when we're together.. but when we go our separate ways, i dont "feel" it anymore.. we cant possibly see each other every day or every other day. thats insane.. with my schedule and time-table.. its just impossible.. even if we tried, it wont work out. i'll be very tired and in the end, i think i'll suffer.. its just hard to continue a relation when its not based on love but on "pity". please dont get me wrong.. i did love you. i did. but.. im sorry.. i cannot continue with this..
truthfully and honestly, i dont know how to keep the flames alive.. like i told you before.. using too much of the, "i love you, miss you, muah.." it just.. lose its meaning after awhile and if you use it too frequently, its not special anymore.. we communicate by sms mostly. we rarely talk over the phone.. i dont blame you.. i dont call you at all either.. we both dont have any house phones and we both are using prepaid services.. when your prepaid is running low, most to most, you'll gimme a miss call.. as a sign of "you thought about me at that particular time". its sweet really and i completely understand..
but u know what irks me the most though..? that you do nothing at all.. at home.. you go to sleep late, u wake up late. u eat. u watch tv. u watch anime. ermmm.. what else do u do..? help mum with cooking sometimes.. help mum with breakfast.. but nevermind its ok.. i think you have since then improved after that day.. i think i said something like change your sleeping pattern.. your "biological clock" needs to be re-set.. I guess im being unfair. Yes, i know.. You did help your mum at home.. filial piety.. but thats it..? I know you can do better than that.. You're already 24 and unemployed.. i really wonder when you'll be "stable".. PLease dont be mad at me blogging about this. truth is, i've been wanting to sound you since.. i donno when.. this blog here right now, is like my last resort.. seriously.. i hope you'll read it and understand how i feel.. not many people read this blog cos we dont simply give out our blog addy to any tom dick or harry.. im sorry for you have to find out like this.. i feel like shit now.. but i guess its better to feel shitty now than later.. true? no?
thanx for the memories.. it is definately mine to keep.. halalkan semua makan minum and im sorry for all the hurtful times/words that ever came out of my mouth.. take care of your mum. dont make her work too hard.. its your turn.. send my regards to her and your sis as well.. take good care of yourself too.. you've been falling sick lately.. build up your immunity.. eat citrus fruits like oranges, pineapples, prunes.. and ya, i wish you success in finding a job soon.. get stable..
peace be upon u.
irena
8:42 AM,
come and sing along with us <3
YOUR'S TRULY;
tribz bingz buffay
don't bother to be nice,
cause we already hate you.
we don't need theraphy,
we have each other.
